The Only Way
by Rosemary Parkinsons
Summary: bellasirius. rating to be safe. i know, i know, i hate when people say that too. basically bella's feelings towards sirius. haven't written romance in a while, so please review! 'tis a one shot, but there will be a sequel eventually.


_**Disclaimer: I'm not JK Rowling. And I'm sure JK Rwling would be rather offended if somebody mistook my work for hers anyways.**_

* * *

I see you every day, walking past me. Our shoulders brush against each other, or is it just my imagination? I perceive your presence, but I do not _see_ you. No; long ago I stopped looking. If I looked, could you see the pain trapped inside of me struggling to be released? Could you see through my eyes and straight into the secrets that I worked so hard to protect? I couldn't risk that- I wouldn't -so I learned to block you from my vision. Staring straight ahead into the depths of nothingness I would walk by you, my eyes never even flickering in your direction. I forced all expression from my eyes until all anybody could see were hollowed pits- sunken shadows cleverly concealing what lay beneath. How could I let anybody know- especially you- what was really happening to me? That every time I saw you with her, jealousy clawed and slashed at my insides and my innermost desires for you rose to the surface of my being, threatening to reveal themselves. I felt like screaming and releasing my frustration; I wanted to raise my voice to the sky and tell forbidden tales to the god that had surely abandoned me. I wanted to scream that nobody could ever love you more than I did, but with each passing day I stayed mute. I would pass you by silently, leaving you behind me, as if you were nothing but a shadow. I know you saw me, I could feel your gaze penetrating my flesh, but I never looked or spoke a word. I could feel you reaching out to me, wondering what was wrong, why I couldn't bring myself to even look at you. You never realized how much I needed you then, how much I still do. If you had just _said_ something Sirius, I might be better off now, but you too guarded your tongue. You never knew that each time I caught a glimpse of you together, fingers intertwined, expressions of contentment upon your bright faces, I couldn't stop thinking of how badly I wanted to be the one in her place. I desperately wished to be the one that you held close, the one that you loved more than anyone else in the world. I wanted you to kiss _me_ and give _me_ your love, for I had never experienced love before. Not _that_ kind of love at least, the kind where two people could be happy together just by being in each other's presence. You were the only one I ever felt that way about, and the only one I could never be with.

By now my carefully constructed façade is decaying, growing weaker with the passing of time. I don't know how long it will be until is collapses completely. I no longer want your affections, I want _you_. I've become hopelessly obsessed with you and I know that, deep inside, you can feel it. You know what I desire, so why do you torment me? Why do you carry on your life as though you are ignorant to the way I feel about you? Are you afraid of me Sirius, are you worried? Are you scared to give your love to me, Bellatrix, your own cousin? Or are you afraid of my power over you, that if we became involved I would ensnare you in an inescapable web of trickery and deceit, bending you to my will? You know it's not like that, it never will be, so why do you still shy away from me?

I know that you will never allow yourself to be with me, I think I've know it all along. I ache for the days of my innocent infatuation with you, the days before you mattered so much. I want to end it, my fixation on you, my hunger for your body. I know it sounds pathetic, but I _need_ you Sirius, I really do. But as I hold this lustrous razor to my wrist, I know that it will all be over soon. I drag the smooth blade across my skin and watch the blood trailing down my arm. It is the only way to rid myself of you.

Forever.

* * *

How are you enjoying? I know its kinda bleh at sometimes, but thats what happens when you do the majority of your writing atmidnight, when you're highly tired but aren't allowed to lie down because of your medication... and if you think it sucks, flame away, I need the warmth

All my non-sexual love and glomps,

Rosemary Parkinsons


End file.
